


You Really Think You'll Forget?

by Hacereadsenochian (Grannahreadsenochian)



Category: Star Trek, star trek discovery, std - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst, Buran, F/M, Father/daughter michael and Lorca, Flashback, Hurt/Comfort, Katrina Cornwell - Freeform, Klingons, Mirror!Lorca, Mirror!Reader, Mirror!Y/N, Mirrorverse, Mudd Mayhem, Not Canon Compliant, Scars, Some baaaddd shit, Torture, Touch starved Lorca, Tragic backstory unlocked, We just gonna pretend ep 11 doesn't exist, Whump, hmm, loss of vision, references to violence, sarek - Freeform, timeloop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-01-18 23:32:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12398514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grannahreadsenochian/pseuds/Hacereadsenochian
Summary: Following the events of "choose your pain" and the unlocking of Gabriel Lorca's tragic backstory, he receives a visit from someone important, and hears the words he needs to hear.Their relationship grows from then on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd, not edited. Not my finest work. Just whipped it out of a hat and slapped it into a doc and called it a fic.

“Lorca, come out of the shadows.” 

He stands in the shadows because he can’t see in the light. With the lights dimmed all the way in his quarters, with the blinds drawn on his window to keep out even the background of space. Even with his head in his hands, the light cripples him, paralyzes him. 

He puts his hand down and squints at his visitor, his eyes trembling as he tries to keep them open. 

“Only one woman talks to me like that.” He recognizes her voice, and her tone, at least. He waves her forward. “Come closer. You’re gonna have to deal with the darkness for now.” 

“If it’s that bad shouldn’t you be in sickbay?” She walks closer as he wishes. 

“They kept the lights dimmed for about an hour before people started getting antsy.” He waved his hand. “It’s better if I try to deal with it here, where no one cares.” 

“I care.” 

It’s easier now that her face is shadowed. If he focuses, he can keep his eyes on her and ignore everything else. But her expression is the last thing he wants to see. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says. “Do you know how many people keep asking me to have the surgery?” 

“I suspected that’s why you really left sickbay.” 

A sigh. 

“Just once I’d like to meet a captain who actually listens to his or her doctor.” She says, her movements agitated. 

“You know why I do it.” 

“Yes, I know. You choose your pain so you’ll remember.” She touches his face, the first affectionate touch he’s felt in months. He leans into it. “But do you really think you’ll forget?” 

They’re the words he really needed to hear, these long seven months. No, he’ll never forget. 

Forget the torture, the pain, the despair? Forget seeing his men and women collapse on the ground, unable to receive the beating the klingons inflict on them? Forget the pain he felt himself as he lay limp on the cot, unable to even lift his head while he wanted to get up and defend his crewmen?

Forget the shame, the guilt, the utter heartbreak he felt even as he tried to convince himself that he was being merciful, ending his crews torment. Forget that he had failed to rescue them, and the only solution he could think of was by killing them. 

The memories are burned into the back of his eyes, seared by the explosion. 

The memories were fresh on his mind when he felt the gaze of other captains, heard the way they spoke about him when he was finally recovered by starfleet. 

The memories flood back when he sleeps at night, or catches a glimpse of a cadet who looks too much like one of his ghosts. 

“I don’t deserve to forget.” He says. 

“You don’t deserve to be punished, either.” 

That's debatable.


	2. There's a Simple Solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's not as okay as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tappitty tap tap* 
> 
> (Did not edit, tense changes a lot)

The Captain could not be found in sickbay, or ten-forward, or his ready room, and certainly not on the bridge. The only place left to search was his quarters, and sure enough that's where you'd found him, sitting in almost total darkness, listening to crew reports since his eyes could not handle the light of a padd. 

His stay with the Klingons had done a number on him. No one knew exactly what went down during the time he was a their captive- you had only speculation, and the muddled report from a very traumatized lieutenant, to base your knowledge off of. The Captain hadn't told anyone what they did to him during the hours he was missing. You had doubts that he ever would share his side of the story.

But at the moment, you were worrying about Paul Stamets, who had injected himself with alien DNA and technically broken Starfleet's laws regarding eugenics experimentation. 

"So, you're worried about what's going to happen to him." You'd half expected to hear derision in his voice, but the captain sounded like he might actually be interested in the well being of his officer. "Probably nothing too bad. He's a smart man. I may not understand half of what he does down there, but I know it saves lives every time we use his technology."

"You almost sound like you like him."

"We're not there yet, commander. But he has guts. And I need crewmen with-" He broke off mid sentence, his brow furrowed. 

"Captain?"

He blinked and shook his head. 

"I'm fine." He said. "I'm- ung!"

You saw him sway and lurched forward, just in time to catch him as he collapsed. His sudden weight almost pulled you down to the floor with him, but you grit your teeth and lowered him gently.

"Computer, lights!" you snapped, thinking that the light was what triggered the pain. You were plunged into darkness, left with only the senses of the captain, shaking in your arms, and his clammy skin on yours.

"Hah- Ngh- Y/N-" Lorca shuddered with each shaky gasp. "Agh!"

"Tell me what you need, Gabriel," you said, shifting as your arms began to strain. "Tell me."

His only response was labored breathing, followed by soundlessness as his whole body tensed, followed again by more gasping and guttural sounds.

You slipped a hand free to tap your comm badge. "Doctor Culber to the Captain's quarters," you said, hearing a tremor in your own voice. "It's an emergency."

 

\---

 

You sit on the end of the bed waiting to hear the Doctors diagnosis. The lights are dimmed as far as they'll go without being black, and the only sound is the quiet ringing of Culbers tricorder. Lorca is back in bed, propped up against the back rest. You'd helped Culber get him up off the floor and into a more comfortable situation.

You glance at Gabriel and are surprised to see him staring at you, eyes half lidded, but focused on your face.

"Did I scare you, commander?" He asks in a low voice, his words almost slurred by the narcotics he's on.

"Scared the shit out of me." You admit, trying not to sound too serious.

"I'm sorry."

You're not sure if it's the pain, or the drug that he's on, or if he's just being nice. But there's nothing in his voice, nothing in his eyes, but sincerity.

His eyes shut again. You see the veins in his neck pulse as another wave of pain takes him. It's been like this for the last five minutes. Not so bad, then bad, then terrible.

"The pain's not just in my eyes, Doctor." He says, reaching shakily for a bottle of iced water that's on the nearby table, among Culber's many spread out instruments. "It's behind my eyes, in my head."

Culber puts the bottle in Lorca's hand and wipes the condensation from it off on his uniform.

"Your nerves have been damaged almost as badly as they were after the explosion." Culber answers. You watch Gabriel for his reaction.

He holds the frigid bottle on his forehead like an ice pack, hands shaking.

"Go on."

"There's nothing else to tell. You've heard everything already. You're going to have to go through recovery again. That's all there is to it."

"Why didn't you detect the damage when you had him in sickbay?"

Culber turns to you. "Simple. The captain told me to look at every injury except his eyes. He doesn't like me to get near them. It takes something like this to get him to the point that I can even point a tricorder in his direction."

You turn your disapproving gaze on Gabriel.

"So your stubbornness brought this upon you."

"Well, that and the fact that he knows what course of treatment I'm going to suggest."

"No." Gabriel growls, eyes still shut.

"Captain, if you'll just go through with the surgery-"

"No!"

Culber shuts his mouth, resentment on his face.

"What surgery?" You ask, ignoring the captain.

"A simple ocular procedure. We have the technology to replace his eyes entirely with implants. Implants that would eliminate his pain, and restore his vision entirely. " Culber answers.

"That doesn't sound simple." 

Culber's hesitation is written on his face.

"It's technically experimental. But perfectly safe!" He says quickly, seeing your expression change from curiosity to "hell no". "The only reason it's experimental is because there haven't been many subjects for the operation, seeing as most blindness can be reversed these days before it even sets in all the way."

"Doctor." Gabriel has lowered the waterbottle to the bed beside him and is looking around, blinking.

"In the few cases where the procedure has been used, it has had a one-hundred percent success rate-"

"Doctor!"

You and Culber both turn your attention to the captain.

"What is it, sir?" Culber asks.

Gabriel waves a hand in front of his face. His eyes don't follow it.

"I can't see anything."


	3. Who's Going to Help Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the events of the last chapter, Gabriel bares his heart to Y/N, and a recent epiphany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The question is not "was this edited", the question is "is anything I write ever edited?" 
> 
> This has become a series now, which will inevitably grow after Sundays episode. Until then, can someone else please write some Lorca angst? I've already read the 5 fics that are out there :/

The Doctor was gone. Thanks to Gabriel's stubbornness, there was nothing Culber could do. He'd left upset, angry at the Captain for refusing to be treated. Angry at himself because he couldn't come up with another solution, one Gabriel would go like better. 

You shared his frustration. You'd never known a man as stubborn as the one lying in bed, only asleep because of the drugs pumping through his veins. 

"Don't go," he'd asked, his rough voice soft for once. "Please." 

His face betrayed his vulnerability, and you'd relented. 

You sat with him mostly in silence until he fell asleep, but he did ask you, for the second time that day, "are you afraid?" 

You realized that he was asking so that you could tell him you weren't afraid. So that maybe, if you were brave, he could be brave too. 

Because Gabriel Lorca was for the most part a ruthless, cunning Captain known for his utter devotion to the war effort. But as you'd seen his many scars today, you'd also seen underneath his rough exterior and you realized what so many people seemed to forget about the man. That he too was human. 

 

He whimpered as he woke. 

You were standing at the window, humming to yourself quietly, watching the stars as you passed them by. You'd been drawn to the window, drawn by the calmness of it. There was something about looking out into nature, and watching the stars, that could keep one entranced for hours. 

But the calmness was broken by the sound of someone jerking awake, violently. Your humming stopped. 

"Who's there?" The Captain demanded, his voice thick with sleep. "Show yourself." 

"It's just me, Captain." You said.

"Who the hell are you?" His rough words made you pause. He was talking like- then you realized, he was still in his dream. Awake, but disoriented. "What did you do to me? Why can't I see?" 

"You- you're on the Discovery," you stammered. "It's me, Y/N." 

He froze. 

"-Y/N?" 

"Yes, Captain." 

"I'm on the Discovery?" 

"You're safe, Captain." 

Gabriel gave a long, shuddering breath. 

"What time is it?"

"Almost 0900." 

He sighed and rubbed his face. 

"You didn't leave."

"No." He'd asked you to stay. You stayed the whole night. 

"Did you sleep?"

"Sleep... wasn't coming to me." You said honestly, remembering the worry and thoughts that had kept you up all night. You'd sat by his bed, staring at nothing, thinking about everything.

"You should go rest."

"I don't need to. I've got too much on my mind." 

He made a sound that you recognized as a laugh. 

"You're not worried, are you?"

"Should I not be?" 

"Starfleet worries enough for the both of us." 

That was true enough. Just days before, Admiral Cornwell had been on your back about Gabriel- how he was doing, how he was acting- was he fit to be the Captain of the discovery, was the gist of it. She hadn't said it out loud but she didn't need to. Cornwell was a psychiatrist as well as an Admiral, and she had a tendency to stick her nose in places where she wasn't necessarily wanted. Or needed. 

"Were you humming?"

You blinked, shaking away those unwanted thoughts. 

"What?"

"I thought I heard you humming." 

"I- Yes." Why was it so hard for you to speak? Why did your words catch in your throat? 

"I can't remember the last time I heard humming. Or singing." He murmured. His eyes, unseeing as they were, gazed blankly ahead. Perhaps they were seeing the last time he'd heard music. Perhaps they were still stuck in whatever horrible dream he'd woken from. 

You lowered yourself into the seat next to him. His head moved, hearing the movement.  
He was in his black undershirt, a stark change from his stiff, immaculate uniform. It hid less of him, and you were able to see what was underneath his exterior. It was... eye opening. For the first time, even though you'd known him for years, you began to understand what he'd experienced that had turned him into the man he was. Small scars, so small they looked like shadows, dotted his strong arms here and there. You could imagine what kind of weapon had caused them. A longer scar, thicker and gnarlier, crawled up from his forearm, to the hem of his sleeve. Another patch of discolored skin peeked out from his collar. More pieces of the puzzle that this man was. 

"You have to tell me what you're thinking," Gabriel said. "I can't see your face." 

"I'm..." What even were you thinking? You were just taking in everything, not really processing. "I just... didn't realize you still have nightmares." 

He didn't say anything. You swallowed. Was he mad? 

"I'm just trying to understand you, Gabriel. You won't have the surgery, you won't get psychological help-"

"Help is the last thing I need." You'd come to expect that tone from him, the gravelly way he slurred some of his words together, whenever you brought up the topic. "And it's the last thing I deserve." 

"You'd be the only one who thinks that." You replied. "No one at Starfleet judges you as harshly as you judge yourself." 

"But they do judge me."

"Not everyone can understand why you had to do what you did." 

He shook his head. 

"I could have done more." 

You reached out and put your hand on his. 

"They were captured by the Klingons, Gabriel," You said gently. "There was no saving them." 

"I actually believed that," he replied. "Until two days ago. When I met a lieutenant who'd survived seven months after being captured. My capture, my pain, my escape- It helped me realize what I should have realized then. Escape was possible. And I should have tried harder. I should have saved them." He shook his head. "If I was worth anything as a captain, I would have saved them."

You stared at Gabriel, your heart breaking at the dejected, hopeless man in front of you. You squeezed his hand tight. 

"You need help." You whispered. "You need to move on! Stop hurting yourself!"

You'd never seen a man look more broken than he, when he asked; "Who's going to help me? The Doctor? Cornwell? They'll take away my ship, Y/N." 

"I won't let them." And you could hardly believe your own ears as you promised; "I'll help you."


	4. She's Not All You Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only word I can use to describe it is "wow"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tonight's episode? I can't even write this cause I'm dead.

Something wasn't right. 

And it wasn't the fact that a Starfleet Admiral had just been on the comm with you, asking why the Discovery had changed course. Cornwell was on board, you knew that much. You'd tried to dissuade her from docking, but she was dead set, and you knew if you pushed the issue now, there'd be hell to pay later. 

She'd gone into the Captain's quarters hours ago. Not that you were going to judge, or stick your nose into her business, but you'd done the math and it'd spelled "disaster". 

For her, for you, or the Captain. 

Wherever Cornwell went, wherever she shouldered her way into other people's business, things got real messy real quick. 

Call it illogical, but you'd never trusted doctors. 

Which is why your heart was racing as you walked towards the Captain's quarters, your steps slowing more and more the closer you got. 

But then there were no more steps. 

Only a door. 

You heard the muffled chime of the door alerting the Captain of her arrival. 

You heard nothing, and then a voice so dark that it made your stomach flip. 

"Come." 

You almost couldn't see him, that's how dark he had it. Of course that was hardly unusual. Nothing to get jittery about... 

It was the way he was standing, his back to the door, hands on the windowsill, his shoulders tense, his whole form absolutely rigid. 

"Captain." You eschewed using his first name. Something told you it was neither the time nor the place. 

"Commander." He did not look at you. He didn't turn his body at all, or even move his head. You saw his reflection in the glass, staring out the window. 

You saw the decanter on the table, and the half empty glasses. 

You could just glimpse his bed around the corner, the sheets messy. 

You saw the phaser tucked into his waistband, and your breath hitched. The light was red. It was set to kill. 

"What did you do?" You asked, your voice barely above a whisper. "What happened?" 

"Exactly what I told you would happen, Y/N." 

He looked at you. First just his head, so his eyes landed on you and made your skin burn. Then he turned around, so slowly, and leaned on the window frame, his arms crossed. Before, he'd looked at you with something reminiscent of trust. Now he appraised you with ice, looking you up and down as if you were a Klingon.  
As if you were the enemy. 

"I wish I could figure you out." He murmured. His eyes flicked over you, taking everything in. You had chills, and not the good kind. 

"I'm here to do my job, Gabriel." You tried to keep your voice sincere, your movements non-threatening. He was coiled like a wild animal, trapped in a corner. You'd never seen him like this before, never.  
You'd never been scared of him before. 

"And just what is that job?" He wondered. "Hmm?"

"To make sure there's no more trouble with the spore drive." You kept your body language open, even as he kept his entirely closed off to you. "Starfleet has me keeping an eye on Stamets." 

"Lieutenant Stamets?" Lorca pushed himself off of the window, and you instinctively took a step back. He noticed. "Or me?" 

You tried to laugh. 

Gabriel stood over you now. He had only a few inches on you, but he made them count. You could stand up to Admirals, but you shrank under his gaze. "I'm no Vulcan, but I can put two and two together." He said. "How long did you think you could lie to me?"

"I have no reason to lie to you-" 

"You're lying now." Gabriel cut you off. "You're a spy." 

You used that moment to disengage. 

With wild predators, eye contact is a challenge. So you broke eye contact first, lowering your gaze like you were ashamed. 

His eyes followed you as you stepped away, pretending to think about your response. In reality, as you walked around the couch, you were trying to put something in between yourself and the Captain. 

"How did you know?" You asked finally. 

He shrugged. 

"How could I not know? Whenever there was trouble, you seemed to follow. I knew you couldn't just be Starfleet's favorite Commander. Always a first officer but never a Captain. Kind of suspicious when the fleet needs all the good captains it can get." 

Your eyes shot to his face.  
"You really think I'd make a good captain?" You asked. 

"Y/N." He spoke very slowly. "Cornwell is going to try to take the Discovery away from me. I need to know who to trust. So answer me truthfully, and I'll know if you're lying- did you spy on me?"

You looked down again, this time because you really couldn't look him in the eyes. 

"The first time I met you." You admitted. "You were my mission." 

He nodded. 

"Did you tell Cornwell I was slipping?"

"She's a psychiatrist, Gabriel. She lives to find out people's secrets." 

"Did you tell her I was having nightmares?"

You looked him in the eyes. 

"I did not." 

And that was enough for him. 

You realized that he really just wanted you to say that. He needed you to convince him to trust you. The revelation that Cornwell wanted to take the Discovery away wasn't surprising. You'd seen it coming for ages. That was the driving reason that you'd asked to be transferred to the Discovery. To be close to Gabe when Starfleet came knocking, asking for his badge. 

As much as you'd lied to him, you'd done twice as much to protect him. The first time you met him may have been an assignment, but that day you'd made him your personal mission. 

You crossed the space between your bodies quickly. 

"You have to trust me," you said, cupping his face with one hand so he had to look at you. "I told you I'd help you keep your command, and I'm going to." 

"Anything," Gabriel said, without hesitation. "Whatever you have to do." 

His words almost gave you pause. You knew the man had issues. You'd cradled his head, laid cool cloths on his burning skin, talked him out of nightmares. In all that time, you'd never seen him so desperate. So terrified. You knew he was a fucked up man but oh, you had so underestimated the extent of his brokenness. How fragile he was. 

"The Discovery is all I have." He said. "I can't lose her." 

"The Discovery is not all you have. You have me, and I'm going to help you. I have since the beginning, haven't I? I take care of you, Gabriel." You laced your fingers with his. "Now tell me, where is Admiral Cornwell?" 

Your whole body went cold at his next words.

"She's flying into a trap."


	5. Like a Dying Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would never forget what it looked like, as the Buran went up in flames like a dying star. He'd never forget how it burned, how his vision went black, but the image stayed burned into his eyes forever. 
> 
> The flashback nobody asked for 
> 
> (AKA the night Y/N made Lorca her mission)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd, we post first drafts without editing like MEN

He was not on a ship. He was not on his ship, and he was not on a Klingon ship. 

The ground beneath him was not cold metal, it was soft and warm. It was a bed. 

There were no red lights flashing urgently, only dim, gentle darkness that comes with the night.

Instead of blaring warning sirens, there was rain. 

Rain on a Starship? He'd never heard of such a thing. 

He felt a dull throbbing in the back of his mind and winced. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, looking around the room. 

There were vague shapes. Some shadows against the wall. Probably beds. Something white moving nearby, curtains on a window perhaps. A glow, like light seeping around a door. 

Staring at the light for just a second made his head pound. He squeezed his eyes shut and fell back, a groan escaping his lips. As he lifted his hand to cover his eyes, he felt a sharp pain in his forearm, and some resistance. He gave a stronger tug and whatever had been restraining him gave way.  
Fatigue hit him instantly, as if he'd just struggled with a raging Klingon. A strange beeping had started, shrill, too loud for his already pounding head.  
Then a breathtaking pain slammed into him, leaving him gasping for air. His head was on fire, his whole body paralyzed. He made some sort of noise, a guttural sound in the back of his throat that was a failed cry of pain. 

He didn't hear the sound of shifting cloth at the other side of the room, or barefoot steps, or fingers fumbling with a machine. 

He felt someone grab his arm, reacting as if the touch burned him. He tried to yank away, but he was so weak, too weak. Small hands held his arm down, pushed something into his skin, not gently. 

The pain receded instantly and his muscles fell limp. He lay still, panting as sweet, blissful relief overtook the fire in his head. 

He could breath now, and open his eyes a little. 

There were still hands on his arm, and a head hovering slightly above, just a blurred shape that his mind recognized as a face. It's mouth was moving. It was talking to him. 

"You ripped out your IV," it said. "You know you're supposed to leave that in." 

He looked at his arm. A long clear tube ran from his arm to a glowing monitor that hurt his eyes to look at. He squeezed his eyes shut and looked away. 

"Where am I?" He rasped. 

"Earth." 

"Earth?" Lorca repeated. "That's hundreds of light years from the border." 

"That's right." 

"How did I get here?" 

There was a shifting of fabric again.  
"You were beamed down here a few days ago. Then there were a whole bunch of officials in here, restricting the area and everything." 

"But not restricted for you?"

"I'm a patient." 

"Are you Starfleet?"

"Yes sir. I served on the USS Windsor. I got a pretty nasty bump on the head and they sent me here. I guess Earth is the safest place to recover now." The voice, which he'd identified as female, sounded disappointed. 

"Recovery and safety isn't good enough for you?" He asked. 

"Frankly, no. I just want to be discharged so I can get out there, get back to helping the war effort." 

That brought a smile to Lorca's face. He chuckled. 

"You'll be back out there soon enough, soldier. You'll miss the peace and quiet you have here." 

She snorted.  
"Hardly. This place has been crawling with Starfleet since you arrived. They all seem to have something to say."

"What do they have to say?" Lorca asked, a deep concern suddenly triggered in him. 

"Mostly they just talk about some surgery. It's silly if you ask me. They're your eyes, not Starfleet's." 

"What do they want with my eyes?" Lorca demanded. 

"Well," the speaker sounded uncertain as well. "You burnt the hell out of them. I don't know how they think they can fix that. I'd always heard photic retinopathy was untreatable." 

Lorca squinted at the ceiling. She was right, he couldn't see clearly. It wasn't the darkness that had blurred everything, it was something wrong with him. 

"What happened?" 

"What happened?" Her voice was incredulous. "You don't remember?"

"The last thing I remember is being on my bridge, face to face with five Klingon warriors. Why? What happened to the Buran?" 

There was silence. Confusion.

"Soldier?"

"She was destroyed, sir. Klingons fired her, with their own warriors on board. It was- a massacre." 

"That's not true." Lorca whispered. 

"You shouldn't be hearing it from me, Captain." The woman said. "I'm sorry." 

"No, that's not how it happened." Lorca insisted. "The Klingons didn't destroy the Buran. We did." 

"You self destructed?"

It came back to Lorca, like a door being opened. He was on the bridge, the computer screen the only thing he could see, the screen cracked. Even in his memory, the light of the display sent a pulse of shooting pain through his head, but it was all he could see. He'd had to activate the sequence manually. Hanging cables sparked in the corner of his vision. The display blurred and burned in the center of his vision. He turned his head and saw the face of his first officer, a frozen expression of fear and pain. 

"We had to." He said, his voice thick. "We were overrun, surrounded by their birds of prey. My first officer was dead, along with most of the bridge crew. They gave us a choice, surrender, or be killed. Surrender was not an option."

His voice fell silent, and the room was completely still. The woman said nothing. What was there to say to that? It would be shocking information for any officer. His own words echoed in his mind, overrun, surrounded, surrender. Surrender was not an option. 

"What's going to happen to you?"

"Whatever decision Starfleet makes, I'll abide by it." Lorca replied, an edge in his voice. "Actions have consequences. Even if that means I'll never have my own command again." 

"You won't if you tell them the truth, that's for certain." 

"If, soldier?"

"Seems to me you have a score to settle. If I was you I'd want to get back out there and kick some Klingon ass. But that's just me." 

"No one's going to want to serve under a Captain who abandoned his ship. Where's the honor in that?"

"If they want a captain obsessed with dying for honor, they should look for a Klingon captain. I'd rather have a captain willing to live, to fight another day." 

Her words struck a chord with Lorca. A captain /willing/ to live. Living to fight another day hadn't been first and foremost in his mind when the Buran went up. Death by a Klingon raider, or worse had been what he was expecting. But he had lived.  
And now this woman was suggesting- well, he thought she was suggesting, that there was a ship, somewhere out there, waiting for his command.  
And he couldn't be sure, but it seemed like she was willing to keep his secret. 

"What's your name, soldier?" 

"Y/N." 

"When I get out of here, Y/N, I'm going to need a crew. I'll need officers who I can count on, officers who'll do whatever it takes to seal our victory." 

"I'll be waiting for you." Lorca heard a smile in the woman's voice. "If I'm not dead by then." 

He would remember the name, remember her voice. 

"What is going on here?"

Blinding light filled the room as the door opened. It made Lorca's head throb, made his eyes water. It made him curl up into a ball, swallowing his screams. Dimly he heard a doctor yelling at Y/N.

"You again? How many times do I have to tell you, this room is restricted?" 

"He needed help-"

"Are you a doctor?" 

"No, but-" 

"Then return to your bed and stop trying to help my patient." 

But she'd already helped him, and something told Lorca that she'd never stop.

His life would be full of pain, to be sure. He'd be captured by Klingons, tortured, perhaps even killed.  
He would never forget what it looked like, as the Buran went up in flames like a dying star. He'd never forget how it burned, how his vision went black, but the image stayed burned into his eyes forever.  
It would always be the last thing he saw when he closed his eyes.  
It would remind him, every day, what he was fighting for.  
Some men collect trophies to remember their deeds, some men collect medals, some men collect notches on weapons.  
Over the next few months, he would collect many scars.  
The universe devises it's own punishments for people.


	6. People's Worth in Numbers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mudd wreaks mayhem. Starfleet ideals are challenged. A choice must be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna start uploading Mondays so that more people have a chance to see the show before reading spoilers. 
> 
> That being said, stay tuned for more Mudd Mayhem™ coming later this week :1

"Commander! Commander Y/N!" 

You turned, hearing your name, and saw a blonde-haired science officer running after you in the hallway. 

"Lieutenant Stamets." You stopped, allowing him to catch up. "How can I help you?" 

"Why aren't you with the Captain?" He asked, breathless. 

"Excuse me?" You repeated. "My duties are-"

"You have to find him," Stamets blurted out. "He needs you, right now."

Immediately you thought of all the ways Lorca could be in trouble. It could be his eyes, it could be a disagreement with a subordinate, it could be that Starfleet heard of his latest whims.  
Something about Stamets' expression told you it was far, far worse.  
He looked at you with wide eyes, earnestness and anxiousness on his face. And also something else, maybe hope? Hope that you wouldn't question him. 

There was a computer panel a few feet away. You held down one of the buttons.  
"Computer, locate Captain Lorca." 

"Unable to comply." 

Stamets looked at you sadly. 

"He'll be on his way to sickbay," he said, "but it's a trap. Mudd is going to kill him." 

The fear in his eyes was mirrored in yours as you rushed towards the ward. 

 

"Life is full of small pleasures, Captain. Tricking you is one of them." You heard the echo of a male voice, presuming it to be Mudd. You'd gone to sickbay but he wasn't there, and then you'd found the collapsed body of Lieutenant Tyler, his gutted body pointing the way towards this hall. It was a typically isolated part of the deck, often deserted. Now the voice of an intruder rang through the halls. 

"You're making one big mistake, coming after this crew." 

That was the Captain's voice, low and angry. You felt a wave of relief, hearing him unhurt. 

"No, Captain Lorca. You made an even bigger mistake, leaving me behind in that Klingon cell, knowing perfectly well what they were going to do to me. Knowing perfectly well how much I longed to break free, to return to my dear, sweet Stella."  
An over-acted speech, then a pained sigh. 

"You're free now. Go find Stella if you love her so much." 

A snort.  
"All in due time, Captain. I've got to figure out how this ship works first. And then I'm going to sell it to the Klingons, and enjoy killing you one last time." 

That was all you needed to hear. You stepped around the corner, holding the phaser you'd gotten from Tyler's body. 

"Mudd!" 

The man started, spinning around and waving his weapon wildly in the air. His eyes landed on you and lit up. 

"Drop the weapon," You ordered. You leveled your own phaser at him. You glanced at the Captain, making eye contact for a second, but you couldn't tell what he was thinking. It didn't matter. You turned your whole attention back to Mudd. 

"Who's this?" He asked Lorca, a glint in his eyes. "A friend?" He smiled suggestively.  
"Harcourt Fenton Mudd," He said, taking a step towards you. "And you are?"

"About to put a phaser through your brain," you said. "Lower your weapon now." 

"Ah!" Mudd put his hand on his chest. "Isn't she sweet?" 

"I wouldn't call her that," Gabe said. "And I wouldn't call her bluff."

"Of course she's bluffing," Mudd snapped. "She's a Starfleet officer, she's not like you. She still has some overdeveloped sense of-" 

You squeezed the trigger.  
There was a bright flash as the phaser fire hit a containment field in front of Mudd. You narrowed your eyes and squeezed off two more shots before lowering your own phaser in defeat. 

Mudd's body was coiled away from the shield, but on his face was a shocked grin.  
"Well then." He exclaimed. "Are you quite finished?" 

"No, we're not!" Gabe said. "I don't know what game you're playing here Mudd, but if you think you're going to get away with it, then you're crazier than I remember." 

"It's not a game, dear captain," Mudd said. "It's business." 

You ground your teeth together and locked eyes with Gabe. What now, you tried to ask him. His eyes held no answer. 

"Computer," Mudd said, "access self destruct program." 

"What?" You exclaimed, at the same time that Lorca demanded "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's business, Captain!" Mudd said, exasperated. "Let me explain. I have been /trying/ to figure out how this damn spore drive works, and you and your crew have been proving most uncooperative. So now I'm offering you an ultimatum. Either give me the information that I need, or everyone on this ship will meet a fiery death." 

"And you?" Gabe asked. "You're on this ship too." 

"Not exactly," Mudd answered gleefully. "But you have a choice to make. The information I need, or your crew. Choose wisely, Captain." 

"I'm not giving you a single iota of information, Mudd." Gabriel took a step towards the man. "And if you think you can survive exploding with this ship, good luck to you." 

"Ooh, fight words," Mudd said. "But I'm surprised at you, Captain. I would have expected you to want to /avoid/ a repeat of the Buran, not be responsible for it. Think about it, one more failure on your resume. And all these lives, lost." 

"136 lives here, or the lives of billions of federation citizens the Klingons will ruin if they get their hands on this spore drive. Hard choice." You piped up. 

"Well it shouldn't be an easy choice!" Mudd exclaimed. "You Starfleet officers amaze me, always bending over backwards to justify the decisions of men like him!" He jabbed his weapon towards Lorca. "Is that really how you see the universe? In numbers? Do you measure people's worth in numbers?" 

"You measure a person's worth in credits." Gabe said dryly. 

"Decisions I never make lightly." 

"You're the one taking lives today, Mudd." You said, bringing them back to the focus of your argument. "You are, not Lorca."

"Well." Mudd shrugged. "Not today." He looked slyly at Lorca, then back to you. "Let me guess. You think he was justified to kill the crew of the Buran, too?" 

"They were going to die either way." Your words were harsh, but true. And you had no time to be sensitive with Mudd. 

"Ooh," he breathed. "So callous." He turned to Lorca. "I can see why you like her. They say opposite attract but in this case, dare I say it, it would appear that mirrors attract." 

"You're wasting our time." Lorca growled. Mudd frowned and looked at his wrist piece. 

"You're right," he agreed. "It's time to wrap this up." 

He looked straight at Gabe, and fired. 

The captain crumpled to the floor. 

You looked at him. 

You looked at Mudd. 

"That was a mistake." You said quietly. 

"Oh don't worry." Mudd said cockily. "He's not dead." He smiled. "And even if you manage to save him this time, I'll just kill him again." 

"You keep saying that," you said, eyes narrowed. "Why are you so certain you won't die on this ship with us?" 

Mudd held up his wrist and tapped the strange band he was wearing. 

"Ever heard of a time crystal, dearie?" He asked. Your recognition registered on your face and he continued. "That's right, I got my hands on one. And I'm going to use it to kill your precious Lorca again, and again, and again." 

"Then I guess I'll be seeing you again," you said. "And next time, I won't let you get this far." 

You heard a groan and saw Lorca trying to move in your peripherals. 

Mudd wagged his finger. 

"I'll be keeping an eye out for you, missy," He said. 

You stepped past him, the containment field flickering out, and crouched next to Gabe. He grasped around for your hand, his eyes wide with pain.  
You squeezed his hand and brushed his hair back from his forehead. 

And then the ship's timer reached zero, and hand in hand you burned.


	7. Sensations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was the pain, then there was his touch, and then there were sparks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to hold a gun to my own head and force myself to post this. We're never content with our own work, I guess. 
> 
> It's short, but there will be a lot more content to work with after episode eight, so be patient with me :|

"Not you, old man." There was the phaser waved in the air, dangerously near to going off. 

"We had a deal." The low, angry voice of your Captain. 

"Mudd, you have what you want. Don't mess this up." The vulcan science officer, her voice tense. 

Your hand, inching towards your phaser. 

"You wouldn't shoot a Starfleet Captain." Your Captain's voice again, smooth and confident. 

A sigh. "You're right." 

A false sense of relief. 

Then an explosion of pain in your stomach. The floor slamming into your head, stunning you, your shoulder screaming in pain. The breath pulled from your lungs, your hands shaking as you look down and realize, you've been shot. 

Blurred shapes leaning over you, something warm seeping around your ear, a strangled cry from the other side of the bridge, ringing in your head. 

Pain, growing until you can't feel anything else. 

 

Then there was the quiet hum of sickbay, the gentle lighting that bathed the room in a soft golden glow. 

And there was the man, standing at the end of the bed, his worried face the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes. 

"You're here," you breathed.

Gabriel nodded. 

"You should be on the bridge-"

"I'm exactly where I should be." He moved to your side, putting his hand over yours. 

It was the first time he'd ever touched you. At least, as far as you could remember- he'd never initiated contact before. You'd always been the one to weave your fingers in with his, and gently cup his face. 

Now he was pushing the hair back from your face. Now he was squeezing your hand. Now he was looking at you with an expression you'd never seen before on his face. 

Your throat tightened. 

"Gabriel-"

"I can't count how many times you stayed with me, when I needed you," he said, the smallest smile on his lips. His eyes wandered away from your face and his thumb brushed lazily over your wrist. "From the first time I heard your name, on Earth, I knew you were special. I just didn't realize how important you would be to me." His eyes seemed far away, his mind lost in memories. 

"I was beginning to wonder," you said quietly. 

His eyes came back to the present, focusing on your face. 

"Wonder?" 

"If you cared." Your breath hitched and you pressed your lips together, willing yourself to get a grip, to keep your emotions in check. Trying to calm your racing heart. 

"You terrify me." Gabriel admitted. "I've never been so vulnerable as I am every moment I'm with you. I thought I was going to lose you, tonight, and that-" he hesitated, searching for the right words."That was unacceptable." 

You tried to sit up, pushing yourself up on your elbows. 

"Easy" Gabriel warned, steadying you. "Take it slowly." 

You shivered at his touch, at his voice, at his intense gaze. And you slowly moved your legs, dangling them over the edge of the bio-bed so you were sitting on the edge. 

There was his hand, pressed into your back, warm and strong. There was the tremor of excitement that you felt, your whole body tingling. 

There was electricity in your gaze, your eyes staring into icy blue ones. 

Then you leaned forward and pulled him in, and kissed him, and there was nothing but you, him, and the intoxication of finally realizing that the man you loved with all your heart loved you back.


	8. What a Normal Man Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of stress in Gabriels life, and this is how it manifests. 
> 
> In the midnight hours, when he relives his deepest fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~ It's a dream sequence ~~~

"You deserve everything that comes to you." The leering face of Harcourt Mudd was all Gabe could see against a background of blinding, agonizing light. Even when he squeezed his eyes shut, the pain still stabbed into the back of his head, so that it was all he was aware of. 

"Oh, don't shut your eyes, Captain." Mudd crooned. "You're gonna want to see this!" 

"Klingon warp signatures detected, Sir." 

Klingon. Fear stabbed at Gabes heart. Klingons? No, they weren't ready. He wasn't ready-

He forced himself to open his eyes, against the pain. The blinding light turned into the bridge, and Mudd had a phaser pointed at him. Gabe saw his lips moving, saw Burnham and Stamets through the doorway behind him, both yelling something. He heard himself say, "you wouldn't shoot a Starfleet captain."  
He saw Mudd's eyes shift and narrow.  
Too late, he saw the phaser pointed at Y/N, saw her crumple to the ground, her eyes wide with pain. 

He heard more phaser fire, saw Mudd retreat through the door, but he was already stepping forward, grabbing Mudd by his collar, and dragging him back onto the bridge. 

He punched that shocked face once, twice, felt the skin on his knuckles tear with each impact. He felt hands on his back, trying to pull him away from Mudd who was hanging like a rag doll in his hands. A groan escaped his lips as his head lolled back. 

"How is she, Mr. Saru?" Gabe asked hoarsely. Saru was crouched next to Y/N, his hands cradling her head gently. 

"I believe she will make it, Captain," the first officer replied. "However, she needs immediate medical attention."

"I'm beaming you directly to sickbay." Burnham said, leaning over a computer panel. A second later Y/N and Saru were gone in a beam of golden energy. 

Gabe dropped Mudd. He fell to the ground and laid there, not trying to get up. 

"Put him in the brig," Gabe ordered. Two security officers moved forward to obey. 

"I would have been doing you a favor," Mudd said as they pulled him to his feet. "There is no good reason to keep her around." 

Gabe thought of the night Y/N had arrived on the ship, after what he'd been through at the hands of L'rell. When she told him he didn't deserve the pain he felt, that was the first time someone's words had actually gotten through to him. When she'd brushed his cheek and he leaned into her touch, like a dog starved of affection, that was the moment the pain started to fade. 

Every day after that only got easier. 

From that night on Earth, when he first got her name, he should have known their relationship would never be professional. 

But there was no way to put his feelings into words. And he sure wasn't going to explain himself to Mudd. 

"She's a good officer." He said simply. 

"No she's not," Mudd retorted. "She's a nark. Always has been, always will be." 

An explosion suddenly rocked the bridge, sending Gabe stumbling back. Red lights and warning sounds burst into the air. 

"That'll be the Klingons," Mudd said smugly. "Right on time." 

Gabe whirled around, eyes wide. There weren't supposed to be any Klingons- that was just a ruse. 

"Report!" He barked. 

"Three Birds-of-Prey are firing on us!" A reply came, the female voice sounding strangely familiar. Gabe stared at the speaker. It was Mara, his first officer from the Buran. Gabe looked around the bridge but did not see Saru, or any other faces from the Discovery. It was all his old crew, the crew he'd lost. But that was impossible-

Another explosion on the bridge sent sparks everywhere. 

"They came out of nowhere, Sir!" Someone yelled. "We're caught in an ambush!" 

"Captain, we can't take another hit like that!" Gabe looked into the face of his old chief of security. 

"Can we get out of here?" He asked, his voice hoarse. 

"Negative Captain. The Klingons destroyed our warp nacelles. We are-" There was yet another explosion, and ensign T'Pak's station burst into flames. He fell on his back, his face seared by plasma burns. 

"Sheilds are down," Mara announced. She met eyes with Gabe, her expression bleak. "We've been boarde-" She was cut off mid-sentence as a Klingon warrior materialized behind her, yanking her away from the computer. Gabe watched in horror as the intruder wrapped his hand around her neck, lifted her into the air, and stabbed his bat'leth straight through her heart. 

Within minutes the bridge was overrun, his crew dead. Two warriors restrained Gabriel as the doors onto the bridge opened, and a pale female Klingon walked in, the left side of her face disfigured by a gnarled red burn. 

Everything around Gabriel faded away as L'Rell stalked towards him. His heavy panting turned into short, shallow breaths. Every muscle in his body tensed, but his limbs stayed frozen in place. 

"You thought you'd gotten away from me?" L'Rell asked, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her. He writhed in her grip and struggled to get free, but the hands holding him down just clamped down harder. "You'll never get away," L'Rell said. "I have spies everywhere. No matter how far you run, I will always find you. Your ghost ship can't protect you forever." 

The light behind her eyes grew so they were like beacons, burning into Gabe's soul. He writhed and screamed, tried to shut his eyes against the pain, but it never ended. 

"I'll see you soon," L'Rell hissed, her breath hot and foul. 

"Self-destruct initiated." Gabe heard the voice of the computer, felt confusion. Who set it?

The Klingons let go of him and Gabe collapsed, all the strength in his body drained by the pain that radiated through him. Dimly he identified the voice of Mudd say "I'll be keeping an eye out for you, missy." 

And then a hand squeezed his, and soft fingers brushed his hair back from his burning forehead. 

And Gabe woke up. 

It was dark, and quiet, but for the sounds of the ship engines. 

The sweat on his brow began to cool, but he still felt feverish. 

He looked over at you, your chest rising and falling steadily in bed beside him. No show of stress, or strain on your face. 

It didn't feel real. Gabe wanted to touch you, to hold you, to be sure that you were real. But he was terrified that if he so much as brushed your skin, you'd disappear. 

But you were there, and you were real. Mudd had tried to take you from him, but he'd failed. And he was on his way to a Federation prison, to spend the rest of the war far, far away from the Discovery. 

Gabe rolled onto his back, the nightmare fading from his eyes. 

That was all it had been, a nightmare. He tried to reassure himself with that. But every day that the war went on, reality was becoming more and more nightmarish. 

He attributed his nightmare about the Buran to the skirmish earlier that day, when they'd lost- God, they'd lost three Starships. The reports were true, and the Klingons were beginning to integrate technology into their ships that could hide whole fleets from Starfleets sight. He wanted that technology. If they could make the Discovery invisible, they could jump straight to Qo'noS and decimate the Klingons homeworld, sending them back into disarray. It would be victory to the Federation. 

It was about time they had a victory. 

But there was a Klingon destroyer headed for Pahvo, and victory for the Discovery seemed like a fools fantasy. 

Well. First he had to get through the night. Then he would worry about getting through the day, and the impossible fight that would come with it.


	9. Under the Shadow of Pahvo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was best not to let Gabriel get too deep in his own thoughts. He would come out a different man for a few hours, until he could shake it. 
> 
> Sometimes, you took it upon yourself to help shake him out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are, on the brink of a hiatus that will surely leave us mad and starving in the weeks to come. 
> 
> Not to be dramatic or anything. Anyway this fic is gonna sit on the back burner, until january *cries* seventh comes around and I have more canon to work with. But I will be posting other various one-shots about our Captain, so stay tuned :1

The quiet cooing of a singular small tribble was the only sound besides the hum of the ship.  
Gabe was standing at his desk, rolling one of his fortune cookies between his fingers. He was deep in thought. 

But when he got too deep into his own thoughts, he would come out a different man for a few hours, until he could shake himself out of it. You wondered what dark images he was seeing now. Was he reflecting on the past, or looking towards the future? Whose faces did he see?

Best not to let him get that deep. 

"The crew performed well today," you said, your voice startling him out of his brooding. "They're not the wide-eyed explorers you used to be frustrated by." 

"They certainly are not." Gabriel agreed. "They exceeded expectations today." 

"You should tell them that." Gabe raised an eyebrow at your suggestion. You walked over to the desk and started stroking Merkins thick fur. Gabes eyes stayed on you, curiosity behind them. "Positive feedback is a powerful motivator. If they pleased you, you should let them know." 

Gabe shook his head. 

"Pleasing me wasn't their goal. They were doing their jobs. And they were doing it to survive." 

Now you looked skeptical. 

"They disobeyed direct orders to retreat, and lied to Starfleet, because they were trying to survive? Leaving safety to fly towards the enemy seems like the opposite of self preservation." You smiled. "And yet, they followed you." 

"They were following Captains orders." Gabe insisted, his voice unusually husky. 

"They were following you." You said. "Something made them believe that they're safer with you than behind Federation lines. I'd say you inspire them, Captain."

Gabe looked at his hands. You could tell that there was a part of him that didn't believe what you were saying. And even more insidious, part of him didn't want to. For some reason, he'd gotten the idea that he had to be cold and distant to command his crew. That he had to be their commander only, not their friend. Obviously that wasn't the case. 

"You've led them into battles, and brought them out alive. You escaped a Klingon prison ship, and brought back one of our own. You've shown your crew that, well," you shrugged. "That you care. They care about you too." 

"Are you done?" 

You smiled. 

"Is all this talk about feelings making you uncomfortable?" 

Gabriel returned your smile and took your hand, his rough fingers squeezing yours. 

"I've got a lot on my mind." He admitted. 

"Our prisoner." You guessed. 

"Have you payed her a visit?" Gabe kept his voice conversational, but you knew him well enough to hear the layer of stress beneath his inquisitiveness. 

"I have," you said. "Although I didn't have anything nice to say."

"And L'rell?" Still, Gabe kept an expression of curiosity plastered on his face, but he was tense, so tense, and his hands gripped the edge of the desk, so tight you could see the veins on his arms tense with the rest of his body. "What did she have to say?" 

"Nothing worth repeating." Was your guarded reply. 

"Well make sure she keeps it to herself from now on," Gabe said gruffly. "I've got enough to worry about without adding her to the mix." 

You stepped around the desk and put your hand on Gabes shoulder. You could feel his muscles tighten at your touch. 

"You just saved Pahvo, and the Discovery, and gave the Federation the leg up that we need to win this war," you said, running your hand up and down his arm. Slowly he started to lose some of his rigidness. "Can't you take a break from the worrying?" 

Gabe sighed. He rubbed his eyes. 

"There is no break, Y/N." 

"Let's make one," you murmured. You used your other hand to turn his body towards you, and stepped up on your toes to kiss him. 

All the fight left his body. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close, his kiss so desperate, so deprived, so breathless. You knew how much he needed this. How much he needed you. 

He lifted you, set you on the desk. His hands were all over you, and yours all over him. His breath was hot on your neck, his touch full of lust. His breathy moans mingled with yours. 

In the darkness of the room, under the shadow of Pahvo, the worries of life disappeared, and two became one. 

They could have had no idea what was about to happen.


	10. Threshold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel is in the hands of the Terran Empire, and finds himself at the mercy of a familiar woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We back bitches

There is a limit to the amount of pain a person can withstand. Physically, your blood pressure drops and your heart races, your muscles strain and tear, and your brain itself starts to scream in agony. Gabriel Lorca was no stranger to pain, or so he'd thought when he stepped into the agonizer chamber. Torture he knew, pain he lived with daily. But this was like nothing he'd ever felt.

The pain ripped through his every organ. He doubled over at the pain in his stomach, but simultaneously it tore through his spine, so his muscles felt like they were splitting off of his bones. And he gasped for breath, unable to get enough oxygen through his screams. 

And then everything went black.

Or, no, not black.

Gabriel was not unconscious, he realized, but coming back into consciousness. One by one his senses came back to him, his vision, his hearing, his thoughts. It was dark, silent, and a blessed relief.

A cool breeze blew through the darkness, like wind coming through a window. Distinctions began to form between shadows and black, and something fluttered a few feet from his head. It smelled like rain, and behind the fluttering curtain there was a soft pitter-patter.

His fingers splayed out, touching smoothly woven cloth beneath him. A bed, warm and safe.

He lay still, breathing raggedly.

"You ripped out your IV," a familiar voice said. "You know you're supposed to leave that in."

"Y/N," Gabe breathed, his voice raspy. His lips pulled up into a smile. "I'm so glad you're here." He forced his eyes open, heavy as they were, and looked up into the face of Y/N, illuminated by a dim red light.

She didn't answer him, but looked to the side, to someone who wasn't there.

"Increase the power level." She ordered. Gabe frowned, confused. It was her face, but a different voice had come out of her mouth. It was cold, commanding, cruel.

"What's wrong?" Were the last words off his lips before his whole body seized. It was like his whole universe paused, tensed, gathering it's strength for the onslaught of pain that then slammed into his body. He slammed into the glass wall of the chamber, his muscles uncontrollable. He clutched his head, and a scream tore out of his throat.

And through the glass he glimpsed a face, bitter and unsympathetic in the glowing red light. And a Terran badge on her chest.

It was you, but it couldn't be you, because he'd left you on the discovery...

_He awoke with a start, his fingers scrambling for the phaser under his pillow._

_"Who's there?" He barked, his eyes adjusting once again to the darkness of his quarters. "Show yourself!"_

_The sound of a familiar tune being hummed cut off._

_"It's just me, Captain."_

_"Who the hell are you?" He demanded roughly. "What did you do to me?"_

_Fingers intertwined with his and he looked down into the face of you, again, looking into his eyes as if looking into his soul. A soft hand gently touched his cheek, and he leaned into his, tears pricking at his eyes at the longing he suddenly felt._

A longing to hold you, to wake up next to you, wake up out of this horrible nightmare. 

This isn't real, he realized. These were memories. He was having a hallucination, made up of fragments of memories. He was still on the Terran ship, in that terrible torture chamber. His body was broken, his mind was close to breaking, and he was reliving his strongest memories to try and preserve his sanity.

_"Are you sure about this?" You asked, your eyes intensely somber._

It was a memory still fresh in his mind, having happened just hours ago. He and Burnham had just briefed the senior officers on their plan. You'd stayed behind to... say goodbye?

_"Gabe." You spoke again. "You know what they'll do to you."_

_He wanted to say something brave. Something cocky. Something that disguised the fear he was feeling. But he looked into your eyes, and the same fear he felt was reflected in his own._

_Fear... and something else. Something he hadn't noticed when he was actually in the moment. Gabe hesitated. In your eyes, there was something more, something you were hiding. An uncertainty that didn't have anything to do with the plan. An uncertainty that had to do with- him?_

_"What is it?" He asked. "What do you know?"_

It was then that he was torn away, back to the present, to the pain. But not before he'd seen it- you knew everything.

When you're in enough pain, memories start to feel like dreams. And when the pain fades and the world starts to return to normal, you ask yourself "did that really happen, or was it an hallucination?"

This is how long the pain lasted, long enough for Gabe to forget the kindness on your face, your soft touch, the safety when you were with him. It was as if the pain forced its way into his head, leaving no room for pleasant sensations, or memories.

And when the pain finally stopped, Gabe slumped against the chamber wall, his every limb limp and twitching as the last strings of electricity escaped.

He was completely, mentally, and physically exhausted. He could barely keep his eyes open. And every breath was torturous, laborious. A bead of sweat dripped down his neck.

He flinched when two fingers touched the glass in front of his face.

He looked at who's hand it was, and shut his eyes in despair.

"Y/N," He whispered. "Help me."

"Help you?" She said, not a trace of sympathy in her voice. "Mercy is the last thing I have planned for you. You betrayed me." Gabe's heart sank. "I'm going to help give you the punishment you deserve."

 


	11. Fowl and Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel Lorca had lied about who he was. But the Terrans weren't sharing the whole story either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well if it wasn't an AU before, it is now.

You should have seen it sooner.  
  
You should have seen that Gabe was not who he'd said he was.  
  
His paranoia about being spied on, the phaser under his pillow, his obsession with the spore drive, and keeping command of discovery.  
  
These weren't traits that developed after Klingon torture, they came from not trusting your own. They came from years of living in a society where murder and backstabbing were everyday occurrences.  
  
And to think you'd stood by him, held him when he couldn't hold himself together, lied for him. You'd even /loved/ him.  
  
In front of you, his star charts twinkled and glowed, arcs of blue and red tracking the many jumps you'd made with the spore drive. He'd been collecting data on every single jump, but the most important jump was the last one. The incomplete jump. Although you now believed that it had been complete.  
  
You looked down at the data padd you held in your hands, reading the screen for the hundredth time. It was system data, from the last jump. Gabriel had overridden the jump coordinates at the last minute, changing them to a new location. And the numbers on his screen matched the numbers where you'd found yourself, in the middle of Klingon debris in the mirror dimension.  
  
The padd slipped from your fingers, clattering onto the table surface. The glowing star chart blurred in your vision.  
  
Please let me be wrong, you prayed. This one time, let the data be wrong.  
  
You told yourself it wasn't true, but you'd come back to this room every day since they infiltrated the Shenzhou, and there was only one conclusion you could come to.  
  
That Gabriel Lorca was not from your universe. That while you and the rest of Discovery's crew tried to get "home", Lorca finally _was_  home.  
  
If only you'd seen it sooner.  
  
Then the door chimed, and you flicked off the hologram star charts. Though the evidence vanished, the fact of Gabriel's betrayal did not.  
  
"Enter." You said.  
  
The door slid open, revealing Saru.  
  
"I just communicated with Michael," he said. "She's found a way to get us the information on the defiant."  
  
"Good," you said. "The sooner we can get her out of there the better." You thought of Michael, the only starfleet officer on that ship. She didn't know about Gabe, which put her in danger. She could be with him at that very moment.  
  
"There is another thing." Saru smoothed the front of his uniform, something he did when he had information he didn't know how to deal with. "Tilly was looking at the Shenzhou's crew manifest and she found your name."  
  
Dread fell on you immediately.  
  
"It appears your mirror counterpart beamed aboard the day after Captain Lorca and Burnham arrived. If her occupation is the same here as yours is back home, can only imagine that means one thing."  
  
"She's there for Lorca," you said, finishing his thought out loud.  
  
"The Captain may be in more danger than we thought." Saru said. "We have the information we need about the defiant. The time to retrieve our crew members is now."  
  
"How is Michael getting you the data?" You asked.  
  
"We've arranged a transport location," Saru answered. You knew he was withholding some information, but it wasn't important.  
  
"Arrange for one more transport," you said. "Get me on that ship."  
  
\----  
  
_Thooommmmmm_  
  
The Agonizer walls shuddered as Lorca's tormenter cut the power.  
  
He closed his eyes and leaned against the glass, barely able to keep upright on shaking legs.  
  
The brig was empty aside from him and Y/N- no, the Terran. The other prisoners had been executed, and in moments of clarity, when his mind wasn't too muddled from the pain, it occurred to Lorca that his torturer had wanted to be with him alone.  
  
He had separated her from Y/N, his Y/N. This was the woman from his past, a past he was trying to avoid running into. A woman he'd once called his partner.  
  
Now, as she approached him, he avoided eye contact with her, like a dog scared of being kicked.  
  
"There will be no respite when the Emperor gets her hands on you," she said, her voice muddled through the glass, so it sounded otherworldly and inhuman. "She won't give you a chance to explain yourself."  
  
"I've got nothing to explain," Gabe said with great struggle. A stray bolt of residual electricity wracked his body. He jerked with a grunt of pain.  
  
The mirror Y/N smiled, her teeth sharp and gleaming.  
  
"So all your time away didn't make you any less stubborn." She said. "I find that surprising. It certainly turned Michael soft. It's almost like she's not even the same person."  
  
Fear shot through Gabe. She couldn't possibly know the truth about Burnham, but if she did- their whole ship would be in danger. And He wouldn't be able to protect them. Just like he hadn't been able to protect the crew of the Buran.  
  
So he bluffed.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said. "She's the same Michael Burnham she's always been."  
  
"And you'll still say anything to protect her." The woman's gaze hardened. "You're wasting your breath, trying to lie to me. I knew Michael Burnham, and that girl parading around on the bridge is not your daughter. She never was your daughter."  
  
Gabe laughed, a harsh, forced sound.  
  
"You're delusional," he spat. "Listen to yourself! You sound like-"  
  
She slammed her hand against the glass, and God help him, he flinched.  
  
"Enough of the lies, Gabriel," She snapped. "I know what you did. I know you looked at the redacted Defiant files, and found the anomaly in space. I know you erased all the information so no one would be able to follow you. And I don't know how you did it, but I know you somehow escaped this universe without going mad-" She stopped, and stepped back, her dark eyes studying his pale blue eyes.   
  
"How did you do it?" She asked. "How are you still sane?"  
  
_She doesn't know about the spore drive_ , Gabe realized. Hope rose in him. The Discovery was still safe, for the time being, which meant he wasn't alone out there. Michael wasn't alone. And if Michael could figure out a way to get the classified Defiant files to the Discovery, they could still get out of there alive.   
  
His tormentor took his silence as an act of defiance.  
  
"Gabriel, there are people on the Emperor's ship who hate you much more than I do. Some who took your betrayal personally," she said. "So you can refuse to cooperate, but if the agonizers don't break you, Emperor Georgiou will."  
  
"I wouldn't count on it," Gabe snarled.

"So sure of yourself, even to the end. Georgiou _will_ get the information she needs to get her armies safely across the quantum barrier. And this time, you'll be in a cell, begging for mercy, unable to stop her."

 

\----

She's sitting mere feet away from him, but she won't touch him. Her eyes burn, so darkly that when she'd stepped into the shuttle, he mistook her for her Terran counterpart. 

This is not the Terran, this is his Y/N -though he fears she isn't his anymore. 

His every nerve is burning, and he can't not relax. Not with her sitting there. Watching him. He wants to admit everything to her, to explain, to fall to his knees and get her forgiveness. To know that she still loves him. But forgiveness, he thinks, will not come so easily. 

Not if her grip on that rifle is any indicator, or the way her eyes smolder when he squeezes Michaels hand, tells her that she's not alone. 

He's never felt _more_ alone. 

He couldn't stop himself when Y/N moved to give him the anaesthetic- he flinched. And with clinical precision she injected the hypospray, no gentleness or affection her touch. When he muttered "much obliged," and didn't get so much as a nod in response, he nearly broke then and there. How long had he ached for her touch? How long had he writhed and screamed in pain, and the thought of finally returning to her was the only thing that kept him alive? 

She puts the hypo back in its case, and as she snaps it up her body is between him and Michael. A wall. She's showing him the lines he cannot cross. 

Quietly, so that Michael won't take notice, he says "Y/N, let me explain," and she turns on him, her eyes blazing. 

"You will explain yourself," she replies, "but not here, not now." She sits back down across from him, watching Burnham, with a fierce protectiveness in her eyes. "She's had enough betrayal for one day." 

He leans forward, and her finger twitches towards the trigger of her rifle. 

"I know," he says. "But I didn't betray her." He wants to take her hand, like she used to take his, and assure him, with all the conviction in the world, that everything would be alright. Because they had each other. But he doesn't dare try to touch her now- quite frankly, he's afraid to. He's never seen her like this, and he doesn't know what she'll do to him. 

So he tells her, with all the earnestness he can muster, "I didn't betray you either." 

It's in her eyes- she wants to believe him.


	12. Lies Between Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Lorca's story is more than just a failed coup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some important disclaimers: 
> 
> 1\. Lorca is in no way shape or form horny for Burnham, not in this universe and not while I'm around. It's a parental love and nothing more. 
> 
> 2\. That whole "Terrans are sensitive to light" thing is BS. I'm throwing it out. Goodbye canon. 
> 
> 3\. Let there be no mistake, this is an AU. I'm not trying to justify what canon Lorca did, or make him less of a villain. I'm writing my own take on what could have been. 
> 
> 4\. I'm perfectly aware that this is a crappy exposition chapter I'm sorry but it had to be done. If you haven't yet, go back and read my edit of the last chapter. It's not much better but some of you might have missed the update.

Behind this door is the confrontation you've been avoiding, with the man you've come to love.

You've been stalling since day one. Since the day you were ordered to investigate Gabriel Lorca, you knew that there was always going to be a confrontation. That's what you do- you identify potential dangers to the Federation, and you deal with them, quietly. It's what you /did/, until you met /him/. And you couldn't admit that he was a danger, you ignored all the signs and tried to see the best in him, and he repaid you by dragging the whole crew of the Discovery into a war, and stranding you with an inoperable spore drive.

The screams reach your ears in the hallway, where you stand with an uneasy feeling in your stomach. You know what you have to do. But you have no idea how it will go.

The door slides open and you march in, the two guards snapping to attention. The badges on your chest signify your rank in this universe. Wherever you go, they demand obedience.

"Leave us."

They nearly trip over themselves following your orders.

You find the controls for the agonizer and briefly consider letting Gabe scream for a while longer, but you will not lower yourself to these people's level. You were formed by Starfleet, not the Terrans.

The red energy dissipates from the chamber, and Gabe slumps forward, groaning. Lost in a world of pain, he doesn't seem to realize that you're in the room.

Your fingers /tap tap tap/ on the computer screen. Your heart beats at about a thousand times the speed. There were so many things you'd wanted to say, but as you watch him, his shuddering with every breath, your mind blanked on everything but /traitor, traitor, lover, traitor/.

It takes him ages to lift his head, and when he sees you standing there, his mouth splits in a weak smile.

"Y/N." Your name leaves his lips like a prayer.

"Before we begin, I want to hear you say it. Are you one of them?"

"I was."

"And you tried to kill the Emperor?"

His gaze falters. It's as good as any answer.

"It's not that simple."

A laugh.

"It never is."

"Do you think I wanted to kill Phillipa? Do you think I did it for the glory?" He's angry, defensive. Hurt. "I was her closest adviser, her most trusted friend. But being at her side..." now he hesitates, now the conflict slips in. "I learned of her plans. After the Defiant crossed into our universe, she was inspired. She said her mind was opened to new possibilities, of conquest and expanding The Empire. Expanding our perfection. But the way she was going to do it was-" it's a struggle to even find the right word, his eyes searching the space in front of him as if it's there somewhere. "It was batshit crazy," he finally says.

You lean forward, frowning, and he mimics you, getting as close to you as the glass will let him. Staring into you, not a trace of deceit in his body.

"Go on," you urge.

"It's the core of what drives this ship," he says. "It connects us all to the mycellium network, she just doesn't understand how. She tried to travel the network, once. It didn't end well. But if she tries again it will be catastrophic."

"If she gets a hold of the Discovery-"

"She'll have all she needs. And she'll start her conquest with our- your universe. So you see, I have to stop her."

It goes against all your better judgement, but you believe him. Maybe it's your weakness, maybe you're compromised. But every word coming out of his mouth sounds sincere.

You falter, your finger over the control that would let Lorca out of his captivity.

"How do I know you're not lying to me now?" You ask with genuine curiosity, praying that his answer is good enough.

"I'm done lying to you," he swears, his voice shaking with the force of his sincerity. "You're too important to me for there to be any more lies between us."

"There will always be lies between us," you say dryly. "But I'll always find out."

A smile lifts at the corner of his mouth, and he nods.  
"That's true enough."

Your hand moves without you telling it to, and the door of the agonizer slides open.

"The Discovery is on it's way here now," you say as he steps out, shakily. "Please tell me you have a plan."

He grunts and sways, but you're already at his side, steadying him. You can feel his muscles shaking, his labored breathing. When he looks at you it's with all the desire in the world.

Once you were so close- just days ago. But in that week you were apart, you'd had plenty of time to realize how alien this man was to you.

They pull you in, his eyes, so pale and expressive. Your pulse quickens, your breathing matches his. He leans in, his eyes locked on your face.

You almost kiss him.

But you break the spell.

It's too soon to trust him, fully. Too soon to let him back in.

"Deck three?" You say, walking to the door, putting space between yourself and him.

He nods, a strange mix of sorrow and acceptance on his face.

You can worry about his feelings later. Save the world first, then see if you can save the relationship.

Odds aren't in your favor.


	13. Hell of a Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're not stupid enough to trust Gabe, but you'll give his plan a try- cautiously.

Given that you had a rifle pointed at you, you were already quickly losing faith in Gabriels plan. 

"Captain?" Landry asked, her eyes steely behind the rifle sight. "What's she doing here?" 

"Easy, Commander," Gabe said. He could sense how tense you were, and put his hand out not to stop Landry, but to stop you from doing anything violent. Landry would follow his orders, he knew. But you'd never been the obedient type. 

"She turned us in," Landry said, tightening her grip on the gun. "I say we throw her in the agonizer, let her get a taste for how it feels."

Gabe stepped in close to Landry, and you couldn't hear what he said into her ear, but you saw her face pale. She lowered the rifle. 

"Forgive me, sir." She said stiffly. "I'm... Still in a lot of pain. I'm not thinking clearly." 

Gabe smiled, but there was menace beneath it. "Of course," He said. "I'll have the doctor bring you something for that." 

"That won't be necessary." Landry straightened her shoulders. "I'll walk it off." 

"Very good." Gabe nodded, satisfied. "Let's get these men some weapons." 

Landry snapped a salute and walked away, giving a few orders and gathering a group to storm the armory with. 

You and Gabe carried on, going up a flight of stairs, and you found yourself in the control room that looked over the hangar bay. The room was illuminated only by the hangar light coming in the windows. 

"Nice welcome," you said, walking over to the windows. You could see the rows and rows of agonizers, and their former occupants milling around, organizing themselves into squads and arming themselves. 

"The last time Landry saw your face, you were shoving her into that agonizer," Gabe said. 

"That wasn't me." You murmured. 

"It was to her." 

"And to you?" You asked. Hadn't your mirror version tortured him too? How did that change how he felt? 

"I spent a week in one of those contraptions," Gabe said. "for them it was a year." 

That wasn't exactly an answer to the question. 

"What are we doing up here?" You asked, changing the subject. 

Gabe leaned over one of the computers and started pressing things. 

"Trying to get a lay of the land," he said. "I need to know where Georgiou has her troops-" he broke off, and held his hand to his eyes. A groan escaped his lips. 

There was a hypo in your pocket, laying cold and heavy against your hip. One injection was for his eyes, and you had an extra dose of painkiller as well, that you'd synthesized at the last minute before leaving. Now you pulled it out, and offered it to Gabe. 

He looked at it, then at you. 

"I had it made on the Discovery," you said. "Just in case you weren't..." You trailed off. 

"In case I wasn't evil?" Gabe completed your sentence. "Sorry to disappoint you." 

He lifted the hypo needle to his eyes, and you noticed for the first time how badly they shook. He hesitated, unable to steady his grip and get a clean shot. 

With a tsk, you took the device back from him.

"Sit," you ordered, pushing him down into a chair. He complied, a little smile pulling at his lips. 

You'd helped Gabriel with his injections many times, on nights when the pain woke him and he couldn't do it himself, or when he'd been forgetful and you showed up at his shoulder with the hypo in hand, reminding him it was time for a treatment. 

Now with a practiced hand you lined up the needle, and injected first one eye, then the other. He blinked, and looked at you. 

"Much obliged," he said, a little smile pulling at his lips. You returned it with a smile of your own.

Then he noticed your wrist, which was covered in bruises you'd been hiding with the Terran uniform. Bruises that you'd received during your fight with your mirror counterpart. 

"You alright?" Gabe asked. 

"Evil me puts up a hell of a fight," you said. And then you added, "It's just bruised. Don't worry about it." 

Gabe nodded, but he looked unconvinced that it was nothing. 

"The fighting's not over yet," he said, "Georgiou is going to be waiting for us. She held off our revolution last time, she'll think she can do it again. Our only edge this time is the Discovery. Are they ready to do this?" 

His eyes searched yours. But there was little you could say to reassure him. The crews faith in Lorca was completely shattered. They would never take orders from him again. But if they were ever to get home, they would have to follow his plan.

"Saru will follow Michael." You said finally. 

Gabe nodded solemnly, and looked at the ground. 

"I'm sorry." He said. "If I had to do everything again, I wouldn't have lied to you." 

You looked at Gabe, long and hard. Trying to size him up. He seemed sincere. The regret in his eyes was genuine enough. But your trust had been broken- if there was ever any trust between you. 

"I guess we were both lying to each other," you murmured. "Yes, I loved you- but there was a part of me that knew you weren't who you seemed to be." 

"I loved you too, Y/N," Gabe said. "I still-" He stopped, afraid to say it. Afraid it wouldn't change anything? Afraid it was too late. 

A question pushed it's way to your lips, a question you'd been ignoring since you got here.

"Will you come home?" You asked softly, your voice shaking the tiniest bit. "Once Georgiou is dead."

A slew of emotions flew across Gabe's face. Sorrow, conflict, hope. 

"We both know what's waiting for me in your universe," He said. 

"If we take down Georgiou, and destroy her spore technology today, you could be pardoned. You'd be saving our universe and countless others." 

"Katrina will stop that pardon in it's tracks," Gabe said. "I'll die in prison." He grabbed you, wrapping his hands around yours. 

"Stay here," he pleaded. "Rule with me. Help this broken man show his empire peace."

You smiled sadly. It was attractive, the thought of living your life out with Gabe, without having to negotiate with Starfleet, or the threat of Gabriel being tracked down by someone else from your organization. But then, this universe seemed to hold tight to the philosophy "kill or be killed", and Gabe didn't have a ton of fans among the Terrans. No, staying here would not end well. 

"I'm not built for this universe," you said. "And neither are you, I think." 

Gabe let your hand go.

"That may be true," He admitted. "I guess there's no happy ending for either of us." 

A day ago you might have agreed with him. A day ago you thought he was a traitor, a power-hungry maniac who wanted to destroy the Discovery and rule the Terran Empire with no mercy, like the Emperor before him. You'd thought you had no choice anymore, that you'd have to kill him, for the good of the Discovery and her crew, and your whole universe. 

A day ago you would have been wrong. 

"We haven't reached the ending yet," you said. "Let's see what we can make of it."

You thought of your promise to him, that you'd made how many weeks ago? It seemed like ages now, when you'd held his hand and promised to protect him. 

It was starting to look like you weren't going to be able to keep that promise after all.


End file.
